“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to make love to the French Revolution. Or maybe just get some head from Robespierre.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am in possession of the love cannon. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but please don’t take this the wrong… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of purified water. It’s hard to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the rainbow of love. Even if things get stormy, you know you can count on me. Call me Roy G.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fell in love, but she wasn’t there to pick me up. So I took a taxi.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am willing to barter my nudity for your love. That way the IRS can’t tax our transaction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If we built a boat out of our love, she’d build an ark, while I’d build a canoe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the orangutan of love. OK, who am I kidding? I’m merely the love monkey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
