“Love is a bag of electric eels sleeping in a lagoon full of goons and legumes. And I can say that with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My armpits smell like a baboon belch, which doesn’t make me want to shower, as you’d imagine, but rather it makes me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the Chuck Norris of Chuck Norris quotes, and I make love like Chuck Norris, only Chuckier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My sword can cut through butter like water. Likewise, my tongue can cut through the logic of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Stoplight red is never greener than when it’s tinged with yellow. I make love like I have no breaks and I’m wearing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday happened once too often to remember fondly. I spilled all my love that night, despite a lid being on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody loves you, but not as much as me. I love you more than any single person, and all the single people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had an exact location, it would be the spot where silence meets noise. Love balances the calm and the chaotic… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the tomato of grapes. I am the cherry of tomatoes. I am the red fruit of love that goes best… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Giving up giving up—it’s good for your health. Make love like you just stole it. And remember, always wash your hands after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
