“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like watching water drops drip off my eyelashes. Reminds me that I’m not the Desert of Love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have so much love that it could stretch around the world’s largest dick. But so what? Bernanke’s belt does that every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the perfect pen name is Quill McSeagull. Especially for writing flights of fancy—and nothing has more feathers than a love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is a flower shaped like a snowflake. It won’t melt, so perhaps ice cream should be made out of it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll trade my formal neckwear for your love, if your love has an equal or greater value to $14.95.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love looked like a deer, smelled like a deer, and ran like a deer, then I wouldn't passively wait for it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the assembly line of love. Please take off your shoes before you run on my conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a half, I’d split it in half and share it with you. That’s love. Then I’d go find the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the kangaroo of love. Do you question it? You can take your skepticism and stuff it straight down my pouch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think of you. Could this be love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bread can soak up soup, but can it soak up all my love for you? I doubt it. You’re better off cleaning… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Borrowing from Pythagoras, I’ve worked out the equation to a love triangle: A2 + B2 = C other people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had lips like two wavy slices of crisp bacon, and her kisses felt like gravy on my scrambled eggs tongue. We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
