“She said, “What?” so I replied, “What what?” She gave me a look that said, “What what what?” and I didn’t respond… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had two wings and rhymed with “mutter-lie,” could I be your caterpillar? All I’m asking for is a little time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found love when I stopped looking for it. And I sold it precisely when everyone else began their search.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a rolling rock—with wheels. And legs, too! But no breaks or shoes or anal lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can feel the weight of her love. It feels like a purse on my shoulder. When is she coming back so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday happened once too often to remember fondly. I spilled all my love that night, despite a lid being on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody loves you, but not as much as me. I love you more than any single person, and all the single people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had an exact location, it would be the spot where silence meets noise. Love balances the calm and the chaotic… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the tomato of grapes. I am the cherry of tomatoes. I am the red fruit of love that goes best… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With twelve of my clones, I want to co-write a one-liner about sex, drugs, and finding love in a Walmart. I do… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Orafoura and he is me. And he is not me. And I am not me. Or him. And I am… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
