“With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m growing a love seat in my heart. It’s leather and covered in fur, from a mix up with my cat’s back,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had two blueberries for eyes, and hair the color of strawberries. Too bad our love never made it past the kitchen… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: What is the price of love, and would you rather tally it with an abacus or an early… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heartbeat’s so loud it’s like a tap dancer in my chest. No, it’s more like Mr. Morse, tapping out the code… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While I love people, I hate every single person. I only like a person if they’re in a relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you rearrange the letters of “love,” you get “ovel.” I don’t know what an ovel is, but I know what it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there were a speedometer that went from 0-1, that’d measure how fast I fell in love with you. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to assign a color combination to my love for you, it would be purple and brown, because you are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’ve got a tortilla chip type of love. So am I to blame if I’m looking for a little salsa on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That’s one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
