“Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When it doesn’t matter to you, that’s where I’ll find the most matter. The pile of trash builds up just as fast… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a faucet, I’d not only continue, but I’d increase the frequency with which I wash my penis in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were circular, like a yawn, and I were dynamic and geometric, like an isosceles triangle, would you take me to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes were blurry from being in love, and my feelings were as furry as Bigfoot. I thought I spotted Her, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, because no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Someone, probably Orafoura, once asked me what’s my favorite part of love, and my answer then, just like it is now, is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an itch. Wait, scratch that. That’s just a tickle that comes from being in love with someone who’s not in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had the texture of a turtle, and the taste of a rabbit, would you say we’re moving too fast in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a person, it would look like me, only taller. And more handsome. And quite likely more muscular too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
