Humorous Quotes · Page 44

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee

— Anonymous

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

— George Carlin

My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities.

— Jack Dreyfus

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

— George Carlin

“Life is nether food nor drink. But the faith of a dance dream.”

— Lailah Gifty Akita

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

— Dennis Ritchie

“Masked by a pair of pink cotton panties, the man looks like some sort of deranged bank robber.”

— Dave Lundy

“You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.”

— Will Cuppy

“Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get…

— Jim Rohn

Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian…

— Charles Dickens

“Cross.” His head popped up a few shelves over. “What?” “Check out the magic crap.” He shot me a look. “Oh, is…

— Rachel Hawkins

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very…

— Bob Hope

“...but once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our…

— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

“Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?" Instead of an answer, I was…

— K.C. Beaumont

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece…

— Axl Rose

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking…

— P. J. O'Rourke

“Allan praised Herbert for a job well done and for acting the part well. Herbert blushed, while dismissing the praise, saying that…

— Jonasson, Jonas

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a…

— W. C. Fields

Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant…

— Napoleon Hill

“Oh, that's just Thud! That's easy!" yapped a voice. Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by…

— Terry Pratchett

“literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally…

— Tom Rachman

“When I left high school with my diploma, it felt like I was holding a key that would unlock the door to…

— Brian Celio

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must…

— Robert Burns

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

— P. J. O'Rourke

You will never realize how wired your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

— Anonymous

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made…

— Mae West

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

— Elayne Boosler

All For One, And One For All Unfortunatly the Credo now days seems to be, every man for himself.

— Rick Sutter

“May as well have ox blood running through those veins,” I added, “You’re as stubborn as one.”

— Katherine McIntyre

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

— Arthur Conan Doyle

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

— Cynthia Heimel

“I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.”

— Jon S. Lewis

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

— Mark Twain

“Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

— George Mikes

“I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.”

— Molly Harper

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

— Robert Benchley

“Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package" - Debora Geary”

— Debora Geary

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

— Arthur Conan Doyle