Humorous Quotes · Page 43

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

— Orlando Aloysius Battista

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

— Anonymous

“Everyone knows he's crazier than a shaved mule in a toboggan race.”

— Amy Holder

“I'm sorry, but you just can't fit fabulous into a backpack.”

— Samantha Sotto

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

— Brian Tracy

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

— Billy Connolly

“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

— Anonymous

“It’s mind-blowing and delicious and better than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at the…

— Tara Sivec

“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely…

— Demetri Martin

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on…

— Bob Hope

“Locavore?" But before he could answer, I figured it out. "Someone who eats food produced locally? As opposed to locovore, someone who…

— Mari Donne

“Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!”

— J.K. Rowling

If you are watching my films and wondering, am I missing humorous speak because I'm not Korean? Am I missing out? You…

— Park Chan-wook

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early…

— George Carlin

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back…

— Mae West

“The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike…

— Neal Stephenson

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible…

— Dave Barry

I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an…

— Arsenio Hall

The real Oxford is a close corporation of jolly, untidy, lazy, good-for-nothing humorous old men, who have been electing their own successors…

— C. S. Lewis

“For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact,…

— Terry Pratchett

“The photographer was lost for riposte, obvious though it should have been; instead he turned to run. At least his mind did.…

— James Herbert

“I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked. "Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from…

— Jim Butcher

Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had…

— Charles Dickens

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

— Reinhard Bonnke

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

— Woody Allen

“Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category.”

— Jessica Scott

“No magnetic wombats, no flying hyenas, no catfish masquerading as samurai, and, MOST CERTAINLY, no Duku jam!”

— Gina Marinello-Sweeney

“Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.”

— Susan Coolidge

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

“When dreaming is better than reality we're living What's the sense of waking up in a nightmare?”

— Joshua Natad

The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor.

— Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

— Mike Harding

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

— Johnny Carson

“Sorry, I didn't see the big X with the words Top Secret Government Laboratory on the map, did you?”

— Julie Kagawa

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

— Richard Lewis

“Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life.”

— Marie Phillips

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful…

— Karl Marx

For enduring the bloodcurdling torture of my adolescent years I promise to always keep your electronics functional.

— Anonymous

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly.

— Billy Collins