I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you.… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
“Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.” — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light? — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
