You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
“Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.” — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light? — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share
