Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it!.. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog".” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them,… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. — Mark Twain Copy Share
If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before… — Mark Twain Copy Share
A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually… — Mark Twain Copy Share
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either… — Mark Twain Copy Share
If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and… — Mark Twain Copy Share
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. — Mark Twain Copy Share
