Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom,… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
(Twain on Cain): it was his misfortune to live in a dark age that knew not the beneficent Insanity Plea. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. — Mark Twain Copy Share
If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before… — Mark Twain Copy Share
A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually… — Mark Twain Copy Share
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either… — Mark Twain Copy Share
If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and… — Mark Twain Copy Share
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. — Mark Twain Copy Share
