Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
