So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. "Is it that… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it… I think that the most you can… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful!… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
