Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
