It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance! — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark...… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again,… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty — Dylan Moran Copy Share
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere. — Dylan Moran Copy Share
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok,… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now — Dylan Moran Copy Share
I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it. — Dylan Moran Copy Share
I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a… — Dylan Moran Copy Share
