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Funny Quotes by Dylan Moran

61 Funny quotes by Dylan Moran

All Funny quotes Dylan Moran’s page

Dylan Moran tells you to stay alive as long as possible, then warns you to avoid your own potential. He jokes that beer is made by food companies and that vegetables are personal enemies. He also calls children “midget drunks” and jokes about late‑night cravings.

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I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

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“He looks like a horse in a man costume!”

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You exaggerate your own reactions.

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It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

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You look like a horse in a man costume

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Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

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I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now.

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I do pauses, pauses work for me

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Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

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You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

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Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

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I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

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Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

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Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

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Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

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Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

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I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what…

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Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance…

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And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to…

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Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely…

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I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables…

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You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They…

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If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a…

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Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on…

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There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well…

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You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical…

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You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to…

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People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they…

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Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or…

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“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”

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I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

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Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

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Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

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He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

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Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

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I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it…

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I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

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I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

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More by Dylan Moran

“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”

America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work…

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they…

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you…

If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok,…

Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now

I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised…

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is…

The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after…

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.

I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and…

People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of…

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a…