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Up Quotes by Steven Wright
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
- I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
- I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
- It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think,…
- I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself…
- I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
- You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m…
- I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for…
- Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
- I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
- I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
- I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
- You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe…
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time…
More Up Quotes
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Beautician: the official occupation of the 'I wear too much make-up fat girl'. — Nikhil Saluja
- All virtue is summed up in dealing justly. — Aristotle
- Successful people don't relax on a chair. They feel relaxed with their work. They sleep with their dreams and wake up with… — Ritu Ghatourey
- Yet, so far from laboring to know the forbidden tree of worldly pleasures and its various fruits, man gives himself up to… — Johann Arndt
- That said, the question remains: how to strike the balance between free speech and mutual respect in this mixed-up world, both blessed… — Timothy Garton Ash
- Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know that you are the first thing I think of when… — Superman
- I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you… — Superman