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Demetri Martin has 134 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than…
• I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
• I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing…
• I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents…
• Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…
• Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
• Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
• The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
• I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed
• Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
• A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either
• How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

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