Joke Quotes

1327 Joke quotes by 1003 unique authors

You think a student leaves each week because they are out of the academy. This is just a cover up to hide serious injury that… — Unknown Author
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. — Jimmy Nail
I asked a thief to steal me a peach: He turned up his eyes. I asked a lithe lady to lie her down: Holy and… — William Blake
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny… — Jack Handey
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go… — Jack Handey
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a… — Jack Handey
The last man that makes a joke owns it. — Finley Peter Dunne
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments… — Garrison Keillor
Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It's like a big joke. — Rachel Perry
When Harel wished to put a joke or witticism into circulation, he was in the habit of connecting it with some celebrated name, on the… — Unknown Author
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before. — Doug Larson
The repeat run of Fawlty Towers drew bigger audiences than ever and deservedly so. Statistical surveys reveal that only the television critic of The Spectator… — Clive James
I always thought of Levittown as a joke. — Bill Griffith
You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best - or… — Jack Youngblood
We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks. We're real sarcastic.… — Brendon Urie
Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can't help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what people do, you… — Quentin Crisp
He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish. — Georg Brandes
The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short. To me, the quintessential Army Man joke was one of John… — George Meyer
I’ve never taken time off from being an actor. This is the kind of career I’d be so happy to do until I die. I… — Ansel Elgort
At MakerBot, we joke that if we were engineers we would still be on our first prototype. There's something about just 'Doing it”iteration is a… — Bre Pettis
Jim Pagliaroni joined the club tonight and is going to be a welcome addition. He was describing a girl that one of the ballplayers had… — Jim Bouton
I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from… — Julian Clary
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. — Michael Scott
Laughter is the only tenable attitude in a universe which is a joke played on itself. — Peter J. Carroll
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what… — Sarah

Who Wrote These Joke Quotes

1,003 authors contributed a total of 1,327 Joke Quotes, led by these top contributors: