« All Instead Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Instead Quotes by Jack Handey
- Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,…
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think…
- If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.…
- Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people…
- I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.…
- Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national…
- I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling…
- If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really…
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to…
- Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;…
- I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call…
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we…
- Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
More Instead Quotes
- People always follow the crowd. Be brave, Dare to do something different. Let the crowd follow you. Instead you follow them. — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or… — Richard Armour
- Listen to what you know instead of what you fear. — Richard Bach
- A beginner must look on himself as one setting out to make a garden for his Lord's pleasure, on most unfruitful soil… — Teresa of Avila
- Smarmy little prig,†Will snarled, leaning father forward, as if he longed to reach through the magical portal and strangle Gabriel. “When… — Cassandra Clare
- The whole idea of a stereotype is to simplify. Instead of going through the problem of all this great diversity - that… — Chinua Achebe
- Let love flow so that it cleanses the world. Then man can live in peace, instead of the state of turmoil he… — Sai Baba
- If Republicans are aiming for the heart, for compassion, the last thing they should do is abandon the sanctity of life. Instead,… — Gary Bauer