Best Funny Facebook Status Words
2195 Funny Facebook Status quotes by 404 unique authors
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The road to success is always under construction.
— Lily Tomlin
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
— Emo Philips
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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
— Ronald Reagan
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
— Rita Rudner
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I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
— Carl Sandburg
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I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.
— Charles M. Schulz
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The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
— Casey Stengel
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
— Lily Tomlin
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My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
— Lee Trevino
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By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
— Mark Twain
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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
— Mae West
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
— Bryan White
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have…
— Ron White
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
— Robin Williams
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Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
— Natalie Wood
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
— Steven Wright
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
— Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
— Henny Youngman
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English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
— Matt Groening
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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
— Robert Bloch
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If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
— Judith Martin
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God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
— Benjamin Franklin
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Time wounds all heels.
— Groucho Marx
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Who Wrote These Funny Facebook Status Quotes
404 authors contributed a total of 2,195 Funny Facebook Status Quotes, led by these top contributors: