« All From Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
From Quotes by Jack Handey
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group…
- As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,…
- It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running…
- Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and…
- I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem…
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in…
- If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which…
- If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns…
- The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
- A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet,…
- Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from…
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,…
- You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just…
- I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
- As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more…
More From Quotes
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- Haiti, Haiti, the further I am from you, the less I breathe. Haiti, I love you, and I will love you always.… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Sometimes people who want to understand Haiti from a political perspective may be missing part of the picture. They also need to… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst. — Aristotle
- Whenever u get hurt from those people whom u love most don't blame them, fault is not their its your fault that… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- From heresy, frenzy and jealousy, good Lord deliver me. — Ludovico Ariosto
- As far as we are concerned, we are ready to leave today, tomorrow, at any time, to join the people of Haiti,… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- We construct a narrative for ourselves, and that's the thread that we follow from one day to the next. People who disintegrate… — Paul Auster