All Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
- Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in… Accomplished
- You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When… All
- So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is… Brain
- If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. Biggest
- Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. Block
- Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success. Down
- All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.' All
- We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the… All
- The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. Been
- I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No… Ahead
- I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest… Account
- You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind Body
- Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. Comedy
- I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality,… Advertising
- There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. Fairly
- If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved All
- The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. Advantage
- I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? Bad
- Success is the enemy of comedy. Comedy
- I love advertising because I love lying. Advertising
- Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather… American
- Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had… Day
- Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. Blender
- There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention… Attention
- Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? Everyone