Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

198 quotes in 2144 categories

• If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms,…
• We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee…
• I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
• I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
• It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental…
• Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
• Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of…
• Why would anybody want a friend?
• It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his…
• Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
• Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
• I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's…
• Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday…
• Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no…
• People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your…
• After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
• I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they…
• You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you…
• These pretzels are making me thirsty!

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