All Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
- I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm… Article
- The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army… Army
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Book
- Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to… Better
- Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket… Adulthood
- Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. Elaine
- When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard. Heard
- What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its… Bodies
- What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you… Book
- You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day Day
- I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! Funny
- Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up.… Celebrate
- If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Boring
- You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal… Comfortable
- According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means… According
- A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death… Average
- And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman. Costume
- Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many… All
- Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then… Cleavage
- Festivus for the Restivus! Funny