It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up… — Brian Regan Bizarre Copy Share Image
I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote… — Brian Regan Apes Copy Share Image
“Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard… — Brian Regan Thinking right Copy Share Image
“I' before 'E' except after 'C', and when sounded like 'ay' as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays, and… — Brian Regan Funny Copy Share Image
I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by… — Brian Regan Comedian Copy Share Image
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman… — Brian Regan Apples Copy Share Image
“You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know? — Brian Regan Better off Copy Share Image
It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I… — Brian Regan Fans Copy Share Image
The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my… — Brian Regan Ears Copy Share Image
“Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You,… — Brian Regan Airports Copy Share Image
“So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones.… — Brian Regan First class Copy Share Image
“So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig… — Brian Regan Cookies Copy Share Image
“You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to… — Brian Regan Good luck Copy Share Image
“I learned something in the juice isle, and that is, I don't know what's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in… — Brian Regan Great job Copy Share Image
If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ? — Brian Regan Ifs Copy Share Image
“So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They… — Brian Regan First class Copy Share Image
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again. — Brian Regan Ifs Copy Share Image
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has… — Brian Regan Areas Copy Share Image
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing… — Brian Regan All kinds Copy Share Image
“so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT… — Brian Regan Hilarious Copy Share Image
Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT! — Brian Regan Clean Copy Share Image
I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars. — Brian Regan Inspirational Copy Share Image
