I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do; I feel very lucky to be able to do what… — Brian Regan Able Copy Share Image
Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT! — Brian Regan Clean Copy Share Image
Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!! — Brian Regan Food Copy Share Image
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again. — Brian Regan Child Copy Share Image
It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I… — Brian Regan Fans Copy Share Image
If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ? — Brian Regan Ifs Copy Share Image
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know? — Brian Regan Better Copy Share Image
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field,… — Brian Regan Baseball Copy Share Image
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container. — Brian Regan Bottom Copy Share Image
The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my… — Brian Regan Ears Copy Share Image
A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You,… — Brian Regan Airports Copy Share Image
I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at… — Brian Regan Adults Copy Share Image
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and… — Brian Regan Elevator Copy Share Image
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You… — Brian Regan Car Copy Share Image
“So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones.… — Brian Regan First class Copy Share Image
I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and… — Brian Regan Comedy Copy Share Image
“Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when… — Brian Regan Communicate Copy Share Image
I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it… — Brian Regan Be careful Copy Share Image
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.… — Brian Regan All kinds Copy Share Image
“is there any I could get a glass of water?" [waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying… — Brian Regan Comedy Copy Share Image
I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know… — Brian Regan Combination Copy Share Image
The only way I'd want to do something in television would be if it was about how I think as a comedian.… — Brian Regan Able Copy Share Image
“You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle… — Brian Regan Nuts Copy Share Image
“So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig… — Brian Regan Cookies Copy Share Image
“so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT… — Brian Regan Hilarious Copy Share Image
If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation… — Brian Regan Book Copy Share Image
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans… — Brian Regan Arab Copy Share Image
Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
“So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They… — Brian Regan Boarding Copy Share Image
“You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to… — Brian Regan Good luck Copy Share Image
I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm… — Brian Regan Audience Copy Share Image
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing… — Brian Regan All kinds Copy Share Image
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has… — Brian Regan Areas Copy Share Image
“I learned something in the juice isle, and that is, I don't know what's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in… — Brian Regan Great job Copy Share Image
“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance… — Brian Regan Comedy Copy Share Image
![“is there any I could get a glass of water?" [waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty… Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do…” quote by Brian Regan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/df5/brian-regan-3918_comedy_is-there-any-i-could-get-a-glass-of-wate_3196051.jpg)
