“He looked and sounded exactly like a real psychiatrist. Until he opened his mouth. "Let's ask God," he said.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
When I ate vanilla frosting straight from the can, I could feel God standing right nest to me like a real best… — Augusten Burroughs Best friend Copy Share Image
“After Olestra (may cause anal leakage), people are a tad suspicious about products that do things that are too good to be… — Augusten Burroughs Natural world Copy Share Image
“I confidently walked up to the counter, and his friends moved to the side to let me through. I handed him the… — Augusten Burroughs Difficult time Copy Share Image
All children should be loved, protected, nurtured --emotionally and intellectually-- respected, and never, under any circumstances, underestimated. — Augusten Burroughs Children Copy Share Image
“By the late '60s society was no longer afraid of witches, because people no longer believed in them. They were already worshipping… — Augusten Burroughs Bewitched Copy Share Image
I was on the cover of a lot of newspapers. I was on the cover of USA Today for every single day… — Augusten Burroughs America Copy Share Image
I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how… — Augusten Burroughs Lonely Copy Share Image
“I understood that instead of being a treat for me, the Certs had been a mild compromise for him. By letting me… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic. — Augusten Burroughs Alcoholics Copy Share Image
“Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth” — Augusten Burroughs Health Copy Share Image
Part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it. — Augusten Burroughs Believe Copy Share Image
I missed him so much that I had physical sensations of loss, all over my body. Like one minute I was missing… — Augusten Burroughs Arms Copy Share Image
I realized I could really become hooked on these happy pills. They gave me a glorious feeling of general well-being and didn't… — Augusten Burroughs Alcohol Copy Share Image
“If my mother was odd enough to crave a bubble bath at three in the morning, Dorothy was inventive enough to suggest… — Augusten Burroughs Broken glass Copy Share Image
Any damage that's been done, you have to fix yourself because it needs fixing and there is nobody else to do the… — Augusten Burroughs Blame Copy Share Image
“Paul, all I know is that this is the third time we've talked tonight, you're saying 'fuck' to me, I'm a guy,… — Augusten Burroughs Credit card Copy Share Image
My brother was born without taste or the desire to be professionally lit. — Augusten Burroughs Born Copy Share Image
I've just finished my next collection, Possible Side Effects, and I'm now working on a collection of holiday stories as well as… — Augusten Burroughs Collections Copy Share Image
“You're at the crack addict's apartment? Having a little sandwich?" he says. From the tone of his voice, you'd think I just… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
You would be amazed by what you can give up, lose, or break, and yet still be a person who gets happy… — Augusten Burroughs Amazed Copy Share Image
“It may seem to you that your life is over now. Your future without the person you love is no future at… — Augusten Burroughs Death Copy Share Image
My window fogs and this makes me feel like there is no world outside of the car. — Augusten Burroughs Car Copy Share Image
“I discovered the bleeding when he licked my hand and left a swath of blood behind, death's autograph.” — Augusten Burroughs Death Copy Share Image
“[My brother] shaped my young life. First, he taught me how to walk. Then, armed with sticks and dead snakes, he chased… — Augusten Burroughs Brotherhood Copy Share Image
