Augusten Burroughs

I never listen to music when I write.

— Augusten Burroughs

“Delay is a gun pointed at the temple of confidence.”

— Augusten Burroughs

His laugh is made if porch swings and lemonade

— Augusten Burroughs

What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?

— Augusten Burroughs

He was raised without a proper diagnosis.

— Augusten Burroughs

You manufacture beauty with your mind

— Augusten Burroughs

We haven't slept together. But we've napped

— Augusten Burroughs

You deserve to need me, not to have me.

— Augusten Burroughs

“If you're gay and live in New York and don't go to gym, eventually they come for you.”

— Augusten Burroughs

“Augusten very distant tonight. Probably because of my games.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.

— Augusten Burroughs

“Like somebody who was just happy because there was macaroni and cheese in the world.”

— Augusten Burroughs

I don't believe in the concept of a soul mate. Because we are all unique, but we're also simply too similar.

— Augusten Burroughs

Part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it.

— Augusten Burroughs

I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness.

— Augusten Burroughs

“All a rainbow is is light that walks behind a raindrop and its colors fall out.”

— Augusten Burroughs

People generally like happy endings, which is something I learned from my years in advertising. I like happy endings myself, but only…

— Augusten Burroughs

The truth is that nobody is owed an apology for anything. Apologies are lovely when they happen. But they change nothing. They…

— Augusten Burroughs

I sit there and think how it isn't fair that I can't drink at all, even a little. I realize I have…

— Augusten Burroughs

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a…

— Augusten Burroughs

Because I've lived in one room my entire life, working at the same table that you use to pay bills at and…

— Augusten Burroughs

I like, though, that people have a hunger to connect with other people. They're desperate to know that you're not lying to…

— Augusten Burroughs

I never get sick of writing my own stories because there's a certain comfort in knowing you will never run out of…

— Augusten Burroughs

“Gone were the days when she would stand on the deck lighting lemon-scented candles without then having to eat the wax”

— Augusten Burroughs

I've overcome a lot - sexual abuse, death of a loved one, bad parents and experienced life. My nature is such I…

— Augusten Burroughs

It was unnerving, the way she could go from cool efficiency to sarcastic to sweet within the space of thirty seconds. I…

— Augusten Burroughs

No matter what I've written, someone somewhere has come up to me and said, "Me too." The truth can be offensive, but…

— Augusten Burroughs

“I had always had the oddest feeling, consider it knowledge, that if I were ever to find myself inside the cockpit of…

— Augusten Burroughs

“Six hours later, when I returned, I was greeted at the door- and this before it was even opened -by the overpowering…

— Augusten Burroughs

“After Olestra (may cause anal leakage), people are a tad suspicious about products that do things that are too good to be…

— Augusten Burroughs

I was on the cover of a lot of newspapers. I was on the cover of USA Today for every single day…

— Augusten Burroughs

I never question the way I write. Writing is the only thing that's without seams for me. It's an effort to talk…

— Augusten Burroughs

“Having one's mother or father or past abuser admit to their crimes or even apologize for them changes nothing--certainly not what they…

— Augusten Burroughs

“After a horribly long day, I needed a mental break. I threw on my parka, with the raccoon fur around the hood,…

— Augusten Burroughs

And human instinct is ancient and reliable, utterly mysterious and possibly capable of great genius. I believe that refined, fluent instincts are…

— Augusten Burroughs

For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray [sic] days where eight in…

— Augusten Burroughs

“It may seem to you that your life is over now. Your future without the person you love is no future at…

— Augusten Burroughs

“Be glad you don't have a vagina," my friend, who does have a vagina, told me. "You have to have a special…

— Augusten Burroughs

The reason I know what we are to each other is because we fight freely and almost constantly, about even the smallest…

— Augusten Burroughs

“I knew I had an ugly life. I knew I was lonely and I was scared. I thought something might be wrong…

— Augusten Burroughs