“Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's a part of me that is angry. Not in the sense of, "Gee, George is an angry guy!" I mean, anyone… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?"… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
