I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
