“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think of you. Could this be love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you asked me if I’d rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you I make love like a rainbow, would you be my leprechaun?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My writing doesn’t improve if you think it’s great, and it doesn’t lessen if you think it sucks. Likewise, you not showing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's because it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Orafoura, The Mythical Mr. Boo, and Love made flesh walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, fellas?” Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It seems that in love, I have no match. It also seems that with firewood, I have no match.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made an ice sculpture that represents my love for you. It never melts.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
