If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
9 saw the first direct-dialed long-distance telephone call, between New York and San Francisco. Of course, back in that primitive era the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Thus the white men and Native Americans were able, through the spirit of goodwill and compromise, to reach the first in what… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With a novel, you have the reader with you a lot longer, and you owe him a lot more. Obviously you have… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
