Joke Quotes · Page 43

As you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se.

— Janeane Garofalo

“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

— Milton Berle

You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline.

— Cass McCombs

You only get one chance at life, not two! Don't joke around with your own life.

— Dohee

I never wrote a joke in my life. I just get on stage and let it flow.

— Eddie Griffin

What smells of wee and goes in and out:a old person doing the hockey cockey

— Paul Housbey

“You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.”

— Santosh Kalwar

Making people uncomfortable is one of my hobbies. I'm always hoping that half the people get the joke and the other half…

— Josh Homme

It would not occur to me to write a joke like, 'This would be great if I was more like Andrew Dice…

— Josh Gondelman

I have been invited to do something called 'Celebrity MasterChef' in England, which, of course, I can't do. It's complete nonsense. You…

— Lesley Nicol

Politicians have such large egos that it usually takes them an inordinately long time to grasp when they've become a pathetic joke.

— Timothy Noah

“The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten…

— Stephen King

It's much easier to get your material out to the public now than it was in 1988, when you basically had to…

— Robert Ben Garant

Like all men, I have had to reflect on my own behaviour and language over the years. Without doubt, in my younger…

— Humza Yousaf

Of course I want to win, but I have to have joy, I have to have fun. I have to joke around…

— Christopher Eubanks

In our traditional culture, people have a very different view towards nature than in Western culture. We consider humans as part of…

— Ma Yansong

We all have, in my family, what we call the 'Vorderman bottom' - a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety.…

— Carol Vorderman

We always joke about how I'm on the road and they'll be like, 'Man, you need to take a shower.' Nah, it…

— Paul Wall

I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something…

— Johnny Depp

“There’s a neon green post-it note stuck to the window ledge. It says DON’T EVEN TRY —R, in bold capital letters. Yeah,…

— Rebecca Espinoza

“No, no one thought that a spontaneous gang rape was going to take place just then on the stage of the Laugh…

— Lindy West

“He felt as if he had told a joke and they had missed the punchline and were leaning to him, wating for…

— Peter S. Beagle

I think a lot of my songs are very silly and very stupid, written to entertain people, but in the end, I…

— Jens Lekman

You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

— Cinda Williams Chima

“Technically, you passed out under me,” Cole smiles at his own joke.”

— Kristin R. Campbell

At the shock of a joke, everything disappears but the present moment.

— Russell Simmons

When we can't laugh again and again on the same joke... there's no point crying again and again for the same pain.

— Anonymous

I know a way you could speak to your wife. Just wait 'till she's asleep and she'll listen to you without even…

— Anonymous

If you can take a dick in the ass, you can DAMN sure take a joke!

— Ralphie May

There is a standing joke in my family that I was born with a ladle in my hand.

— Maneet Chauhan

It's hard talking about acting, in a way, because it's like explaining a joke: I do think it loses something in the…

— Martin Freeman

What if life is just a cosmic joke, like spiders in your underwear.

— Jimmy Buffett

“It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke.”

— Bill Hicks

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can't do that much longer.

— Joan Van Ark

I could become like that dyslexic agnostic in the old joke - the one who lies in bed and tries to figure…

— Anne Lamott

Before you joke someone,make sure he's not in a bad mood.. If so,make sure your joke would not hurt him even more..

— Sachithra

“What do we do now?” Adam asked. “Get a doghouse. Damn. You’re right. I really can’t think of another joke.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

— Rita Rudner

Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Sometimes they intended to make you think.

— Anonymous