“She batted those eyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.” — Maddie Dawson Copy Share Image
“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?” — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said do you want to lay on the… — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself. — William Safire Copy Share Image
“I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
First, there was Confucius. Then, the sayings of Chairman Mao. And now the pithy, ironic, and humorous insights of Ai Weiwei. I… — Jerome A. Cohen Copy Share Image
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Loeser's favourite book in Blimk's shop, where he spent most of his afternoons, was still Dames! And how to Lay them. He… — Ned Beauman Copy Share Image
“What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?” — Esther Spurrill Jones Copy Share Image
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team. — Eric Cantona Copy Share Image
“I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.” — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. — Guy Davenport Copy Share Image
Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“You said, ‘Ramsey…oh Ramsey…please.’ Please, what?” She looked him straight in the eyes. “Please…let my people go!” — Tessa Dawn Copy Share Image
“Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying” — Timothy Pina Copy Share Image
“Hat head is a sad affliction wherein the chosen hat and the selected hairstyle are grossly incompatible. The unfortunate combination results in… — Stephanie Pearl-McPhee Copy Share Image
