The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. — Dennis Roch Copy Share Image
“This shows that the ordinary person is wanting more for their lives. They want to be of help, they want to make… — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
“I made a candle out of earwax so I could listen better in the dark.” — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch. — Louis Nizer Copy Share Image
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at… — Voltaire Copy Share Image
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe. — Sri Aurobindo Copy Share Image
In horror stories or in fairy tales, the fascination with the morbid is also, at least for me, a way to prepare… — Cindy Sherman Copy Share Image
Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant… — Napoleon Hill Copy Share Image
“Listen up, Mount High-Hair," Gustav barked. "Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I've been… — Christopher Healy Copy Share Image
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel… — Robert Hooke Copy Share Image
“And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!” — Elaine Raco Chase Copy Share Image
“His shoes looked too large; his sleeve looked too long; his hair looked too limp; his features looked too mean; his exposed… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Stuffed animals are sad and scary; they have humorous and tragic qualities. — Maurizio Cattelan Copy Share Image
“Renee: “Trout, get your mind out of the gutter.” Trout: “Can’t help it—it’s attached to my body.” — John C. Stipa Copy Share Image
“The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.” — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
