A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“It's all right," Jeanne was yelling. "Yeah, you heard me, it's all right! Delos isn't dangerous. Not to us, anyway. Come on,… — L.J. Smith Copy Share Image
my life has been wonderful. I have done what I felt like. I was given courage and I was given adventure and… — Ingrid Bergman Copy Share Image
I'd been doing some light-beer commercials for Budweiser and Coors, and I was doing stand-up comedy. I wanted to get into the… — Kevin Nealon Copy Share Image
“Unless... " Now he looked at her in surprise. "Unless what?" She jabbed a finger at his shoulder. "When did you get… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I don't know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers.… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
“Talk Back? That's really what it's called? You're supposed to walk into some church basement and say, 'I'm here to learn how… — Catherine Gilbert Murdock Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense… — Paul Newman Copy Share Image
“Writing poetry's,' I looked around the solarium, but Madame Crommelynck's got a tractor beam, 'sort of . . . gay.' '"Gay"? A… — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
“Just like backing out of the driveway… If the driveway was ten miles long, full of rocks and pits, with lethal radiation… — Daniel Thorman Copy Share Image
“Wh-wh—“ Victoria tried to say, “What are you doing?” but the words would not come. Fear had seized her and would not… — Claire Legrand Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“Ivan gabbled something in Shu that I didn't understand. The giant just laughed. "You speak Shu like a tourist," he said.” — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
It seems to me that a man who is incapable of humor is capable of cruelty. — Bette Greene Copy Share Image
“He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.” — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
“Isn't that just like a man. 450-fucking-years-old and he's still thinking with his balls!” — Tanya Huff Copy Share Image
“There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to… — Eoin Colfer Copy Share Image
The mad thing is, most of my life, when I'm not in a dark mood, it's been humour that's got me through.… — Richard Ashcroft Copy Share Image
