A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
