I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. — Fran Lebowitz Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Hahahaha...you so funny...but not as funny as your face... My photography teacher in 8th said this. lol — Me Copy Share Image
I have enough money to Live comfortably for the rest of my life...........If I die next Tuesday. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If vodka was water and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up. But vodka's not water… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've always been funny, but I never considered it as a particular career path until my early 30s, when I realized that… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
Twitter is an amazing thing, because people follow each other and they can make friends. — Courtney Love Copy Share Image
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. — George Lopez Copy Share Image
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
“Peas baffled me. I could not understand why grown-ups would take things that tasted so good when they were freshly-picked and raw,… — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, we teach - as a culture, we teach people that it's OK to talk about your fitness goals...… — Karamo Brown Copy Share Image
People are apprehensive about finding 'The Leftovers' funny because it's such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is… — Emily Meade Copy Share Image
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.” — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Getting food stuck in your teeth: 2% Get it out with a toothpick. 8% Use your finger to remove it.90% Using your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
