Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You have to be quite aware that if you are really looking for something funny it is probably not going to happen. — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
My first manager, he had left Germany when he was five, but he would joke about the Nazis. And I'd laugh, but… — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
The most advanced nations are always those who navigate the most. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
I like Colbert because he's funny, and he's cool. He knows how to have fun and doesn't stick his nose up to… — Kimberly Guilfoyle Copy Share Image
Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They… — Paul Reiser Copy Share Image
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or… — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I really like 'Passion of the Christ.' I like that movie. I also like 'We Were Soldiers,' and 'Braveheart.' And 'Napoleon Dynamite'… — Luke Benward Copy Share Image
The only high-tech, battery-powered superhero I'm interested in this weekend is the one in my nightstand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In the '80s, it was difficult and frustrating to appear in the theater and TV again, even though I had some successful… — David Cassidy Copy Share Image
Only in the irrational and unknown direction can we come to wisdom again — Jack Parsons Copy Share Image
Only my pillow knows my true darkest secrets and if says a word. I'll knock the stuffing's out of it... — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
Did you know if you say Fuck Me 3 times in the window at 1 am your wife will tell you to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You remind me of the black guy on The Office, because you're the black guy in our office. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
