I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone. — Ernie Pyle Copy Share Image
“Aren't men funny? When they want to pay you the greatest compliment in their power, they naively tell you that you have… — Jean Webster Copy Share Image
“The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
“Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.” — J.J. McAvoy Copy Share Image
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Being unashamedly Muslim while excelling in whatever you do is of the greatest forms of Dawah. — Omar Suleiman Copy Share Image
I throw my curveball like Clayton Kershaw and my fastball like Mo'ne Davis. — Mo'ne Davis Copy Share Image
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things. — Russell Brand Copy Share Image
“Do you have any old copies of Dickens? Bookseller: We've got a copy of David Copperfield from 1850 for $150. Customer: Why… — Jen Campbell Copy Share Image
“101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies… — Summersdale Publishers Copy Share Image
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
In most audience-participation shows, the participant is so clearly not a part of what's going on that it's the fish-out-of-water aspect that… — James Lapine Copy Share Image
Women are constantly patting themselves on the back on how difficult their lives are and no one corrects em, cuz they wanna… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
I'm excited there's a 1 in 176 million chance I don't have to go to work on Monday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One night I went to this comedy club and paid a hard-earned $5 to get in, and every comic that came up… — Eddie Griffin Copy Share Image
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won't text while going down stairs. That shits dangerous. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's a tendency to still show women as being one way or the other - you're either soft and shy or you're… — Jessica Barden Copy Share Image
