Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
