It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ...… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
