Cutting Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

9 Cutting quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg delivers nine quick one‑liners on cutting, each packed with his off‑beat, deadpan humor. The brief set is perfect for a quick laugh and a taste of his quirky style.

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Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions,…

Mitch Hedberg

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I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and…

Mitch Hedberg

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Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then…

Mitch Hedberg

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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the…

Mitch Hedberg

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I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -…

Mitch Hedberg

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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and…

Mitch Hedberg

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,…

Mitch Hedberg

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I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…

Mitch Hedberg

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I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…

Mitch Hedberg

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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…

Mitch Hedberg

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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…

Mitch Hedberg

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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Mitch Hedberg

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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

Mitch Hedberg

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

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What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Mitch Hedberg

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I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Mitch Hedberg

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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…

Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…

Mitch Hedberg

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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

Mitch Hedberg

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