Twitter Quotes by Nikhil Saluja · Page 34

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are only 2 things wrong in family reunion. The family thing & The reunion thing.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't get shock if I unfollow you. It was completely your fault (for thinking I am different).

— Nikhil Saluja

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitter is really fun - you can talk about one person and it makes 50 others think it's about them.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction;

— Nikhil Saluja

I didn't give a fuck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don't give a flying fuck.

— Nikhil Saluja

My sweet wife getting so upset watching Sunny Leone. Guess I should stop masturbating and see what's wrong with her.

— Nikhil Saluja

What the fuck is going up there - My stomach wondering while I'm chewing gum

— Nikhil Saluja

I never knew you could offend someone by masturbating. This couple just opened their closet and they look really pissed.

— Nikhil Saluja

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

— Nikhil Saluja

Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it!

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't be afraid to get naughty. Rock his world and leave him begging for more!

— Nikhil Saluja

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

— Nikhil Saluja

No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I ask to suck your boobs when I wake up, does that count as sleeping like a baby?

— Nikhil Saluja

I showed my therapist some of my tweets and now she's seeing a therapist.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

— Nikhil Saluja

Woman say:I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. Woman means:I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

— Nikhil Saluja

God gave us the miracle of life - sustaining water, & we turned it into Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi & Vodka. Good job, Morons.

— Nikhil Saluja

Cocks are a lot like ovens. You would rather a woman was operating it but sometimes you have to use it yourself.

— Nikhil Saluja

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

— Nikhil Saluja

You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;

— Nikhil Saluja

I think that a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending…

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes We ignore the obvious because we get too caught up in being hopeful.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next;

— Nikhil Saluja

Technology: Pee on the iPhone 5, it turns pink if you're pregnant.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay…

— Nikhil Saluja

He had occasional flashes of silence, that made his conversation perfectly delightful.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check twitter from somewhere else.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't Take It Seriously * When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall?

— Nikhil Saluja

Before you tweet, ask yourself, Could this hurt someone's feelings? If the answer is yes, hit send.

— Nikhil Saluja

MIRAGE, Another, and probably more precise way, to spell marriage

— Nikhil Saluja

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

— Nikhil Saluja

These people are harassing me badly, they said they'll cut…… if I don't pay my phone bill on time.

— Nikhil Saluja

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

— Nikhil Saluja

Woman say:DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? Woman means:We haven't had a fight in a while.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can…

— Nikhil Saluja