Twitter Quotes by Nikhil Saluja · Page 25

HUSBAND, What is left of a lover, after the nerve has been removed;

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just killed a spider and there's blood everywhere because the spider was on my wife's face. I'm a murderer, guys.

— Nikhil Saluja

My best friend told me about a great 80's porn site. I fucking hope he meant the 1980's.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to look for cameras in the mall to steal things, now I look to see if I can scratch my…

— Nikhil Saluja

Spiders are nature's perverts... Why else are they found in the bathrooms?

— Nikhil Saluja

WIFE, A person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not;

— Nikhil Saluja

STERILISE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

— Nikhil Saluja

A girl gives you breakfast in bed. The woman gives you breakfast and head.

— Nikhil Saluja

Forgiveness.. It Is The Wonderful Smell That A Flower Gives., When its Being Crushed..!!

— Nikhil Saluja

Never masturbate to a fantasy involving anyone you might actually have to interact with. Trust me.

— Nikhil Saluja

My biggest problem is falling in love with those who retweet me,

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes you stop talking to someone because you keep telling yourself that if they wanted to talk to you, they would.

— Nikhil Saluja

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of…

— Nikhil Saluja

One of my coworkers has an annoying habit, He works! Makes me look bad.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I'm not on twitter tweeting awesome fucking shit, it's cause I'm busy fishing your sis.

— Nikhil Saluja

Thanks to Photoshop I can show all my boys the hot ugly chicks I've banged on Facebook.

— Nikhil Saluja

Site Engineer is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

— Nikhil Saluja

I often wonder how my tweets are going to sound when read aloud at my future divorce hearing.

— Nikhil Saluja

Using Viagra to masturbate is a hardest time in every man's life...

— Nikhil Saluja

On one thing, at least, men & women both agree: They both distrust women.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've never felt this way about anyone before. - Every girl, literally every time they like a guy

— Nikhil Saluja

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

— Nikhil Saluja

Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get nervous and give the wrong answers.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

— Nikhil Saluja

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

— Nikhil Saluja

Can you stop pretending urself as a 'tough' girl on twitter? We get it. You don't give a shit about anyone. Good…

— Nikhil Saluja

Facebook should add sexually active to their material status, it would save us on tons of poking.

— Nikhil Saluja

Yesterday, I came home early from work and found my Girlfriend cheating. The lazy bitch has hired a maid for cooking.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes I'll see a girl jogging that's so sexy, I'll jog directly behind her ass until she gets home.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you can't say goodbye to your past, then you just can't say hello to your future.

— Nikhil Saluja

That moment when you have to beg yourself to stop crying and tell yourself, 'Be Strong'

— Nikhil Saluja

Alcoholic: A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't delete tweets that don't get retweeted. I hug them and tell them they're just as special.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you're going to act like a pussy, you should at least dress like one... Here I bought you the smallest dildo…

— Nikhil Saluja

Instagram and nightclubs are where ugly people go to trick people into thinking they're hot.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just puked and some inspirational tweets came out. Now I know where some of you get your tweets from!

— Nikhil Saluja

Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

— Nikhil Saluja

Doctor: A person who kills your disease with pills and you with bills.

— Nikhil Saluja

Tears running down my face like rain, who would have ever thought that love would come with so much pain.

— Nikhil Saluja