“The past is always more innocent, because it exists peacefully in the unreachable and unchangeable parts of the imagination.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could tell I loved her from the moment I saw her, right after she opened the trunk, untied me, and took… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I turned my hand over just in time to avoid a slap on the wrist. I was applauded for my effort.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“100% of half the people I talked to agreed with me a quarter of the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I discovered a time capsule from WWII disguised as a bomb. I’m going to open it with my screwdriver-like teeth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isnt going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time theyll rise up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were the color blue, and you were the color orange, I wouldn't want you around all the time, because who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He played a great part in my life. It was great in that it was a majority of time, but it wasn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m writing a book, one letter at a time. After thirteen days, I just finished writing “Once upon a time.” Since it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
