“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break),… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have the definition of a dictionary. If you admire my calves now, just wait a few… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s true, I almost hit him. And I would have too, if at the last moment he didn’t swerve out of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I see a train, I think of robbing it. Like a Wild West cowboy, I’m out to steal and collect… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was the only one who was naked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think of you. Could this be love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We should kill the future, so the present has no choice but to retreat into the past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t go out tonight, because unfortunately I’m all tied up at the moment. I’m not busy, but I am kidnapped.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The average time for lightning to strike and thunder to hit is how long I love. But in which direction?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
