“Reflecting on myself—it can be introspective, depending on if I’m standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A writer should be a recluse. Why share words with a few friends in the moment when they can be written down… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The last time I was there was the first time I was there, but it’s not the last time I’ll go there,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
